Tree Chat |
| With acknowledgements and much love to those who pinned notes on my tree: Buddy, John (Vertical), Jud, Maggie Fos, Pete Fos |
| October 2003 - So Microsoft has closed down their chatrooms. Hoorah say I. Now we can go back on the streets. Why not post a message on a tree instead? I just posted my first message on a tree this morning and I have to say it felt really good. All you need is a small piece of card and a drawing pin. You don't even need a computer! |
| I’ve got an even better idea…how about
a message in a bottle! Don’t forget…you heard it first here.
Eat your hearts out Microsoft!
Love from B. Ored-Too of Muswell Hill! PS Hope to find your bottle soon. |
| Dear Ms Ored-Too Good to hear from our colonial friends! I quite understand that this how you do things in your part of the world but we like to think we're a little ahead of what we tend to think of as a rather primitive form of communication. |
| Hi Pete, Bad voodoo sticking pins in trees. Try going back to wrapping messages round bricks and heaving them through non MS windows. I've found almost instant response and no blocking of colourful language. Hey ho! John |
| Dear Captain Glover Thank you for your brick. We have had many requests to add a brick throwing function to our tree-chat program (all from Northern Ireland funnily enough) and we are considering this for our next release. |
| Trees talking indeed!!......see what you've started?
|
| Dear Mr (Fos) Always good to hear from our friends from the world of television! I am very pleased that you and your pals have found so much pleasure from using our tree chat program and it is very kind of you to write to let me know your progress. In answer to your specific query, no the trees are not meant to actually contribute to the conversation. In fact this is most unusual and I shall certainly be looking into it. |
| Hi Pete I have been looking for your message I have looked at loads of trees but I can't find it Are you sure it was a tree? I did see a message on a bus I have put my message on a bus I hope you see it Actually you can't miss it I think a bus is better than a tree, cos you can easily miss a tree Bud |
| Dear Mr Panda It really only works with chat. If you want to actually send me a message then you'd best send me an email or if you really must post it on a bus then would you put it on the near side of a W5. There is then some chance that I might see it as it passes my door. yours with diminishing patience |
| Hi Pete I FOUND your message. I am sorry that you have lost your dog, I didn't even know you had a dog. But you will be glad to know that I have found a dog. It is not quite the same as the one in the picture but it is quite nice.I have put it on the bus with my message, so you should get it.This tree idea is really good. Bud |
| Absolutely. And I saw your message too. What does it mean "Clean
me"? As yet no dog. |
| Dear Professor Bowen I am most surprised and amused that you are unaware of the meaning of the message "clean me". Although I admit it may have become obscured by the dust of the passage of time and movement of cultures throughout interminable ages on winding by ways and streets all filled with shame and suchlike. Of course the phrase originated in the southern Pradesh in the third century BC where it was used extensively as a koan by monks in the tantric tradition under the master Shree Bhat Shree Bhat and later as a mantra with continuity up until the early 13th century.Please refer to the large volume of work by H L Vistavyashanu on this subject.Later passing into Christo-Judeism with the mystic sage John the Washer of Sheep which are lost and therefore hard to wash, a name which by it's very length and difficulty to spell in the original Pharsee has caused such consternation amongst theologians throughout the ages.(cont) I think I may have misspelled that. Yours in all but reason Bud |
| Dear Professor James I am indebted to you for bringing to my attention the relevance of the Shree Bhat twins. On the subject of John the Washer of Sheep I am reminded of those lines by the poet Sameer S. Jadhav: Then came a whirling gale Again life became a clean sheep Waking me off my sweetest sleep Would that we could all start with a clean sheep after such goings on! But I jest of course. yours as ever Peter G Bowen (dip. stic.) |
| Dear PGB I do partly agree with your point, as indeed those lines ring down the years seem to hold some relevance in these present days. And yet to come right up to date with the modern writer Coldeep Bhakta we find the same image reverberating with an altogether more striking inner resonance If you will forgive me for saying so. From my own translation of his "Now awaken the snake' ........................ ................nightly tongues spoken not softly creep these byres of amphibian gloom whilst seeking that unwashed and yet only unbegotten ghostly creature while vivid insect infested waters without which all perished crying out for non-descript disease except sheep bleating in pastures with little vengeance other than matricidal whispering. Which I think says more than enough and then some more. Panda Pundit |
| Well touche my dear Panda. But of course Bhakta has been accused more
than once of woolly thinking. A case of Occam's razor being used for shear effect wouldn't you say? with tongue firmly in cheek PGB |
| Yes the old hypothesis eh? This is a matter which I have spent many hours
contemplating and I must say that I have now joined with the faction arguing
that God should indeed lose the flowing beard and barnet and that He would
feel more comfortable with a nice crop.However, I suppose the debate will
rumble on for a few more centuries yet. In such divisive matters these are
early days. Truly madly deeply PP |
| Which raises the feminist issue - does God shave under Her arms? |
| I thought that was what omnipotent meant.
|
| OK - Mornington Crescent. |
| I didn't see that one coming Yours as normal Clare |
| same time next week? Hazel |
| Dearest Haz I am sorry to say I won't be able to make it next week, as I've got a little man coming in to regrout my décolletage, at least that is what he said he was going to do, but one job always leads to another as you know better than most. Perhaps we could arrange another time. Your very own Clare Voyant (Ms) |
| Too true. Last time I had some grouting done I ended up having to have
my mons pubis replastered! H. |
| Poor you! Personally I have always found the bit between the cyma recta
and the modillions to be a bit of a sticky area, If you catch my drift. C |
| I don't think I've got a bit between the cyma recta and the modillions...
Oh I have! I've just never looked that closely before. Now I think I've
got to lay down for a while. |
| Hi Haz You poor duck I dare say your man has plastered over it. You could be in for compensation.I can put you in touch with a lovely little lawyer in Friern Barnet,and I am sure he could work out a decent package. These cowboys should be ashamed of themselves.We are literally talking telephone numbers here. Paula had the same trouble with her thingamywhatsit and they coughed up in thousands. Not that it helped poor Paula much 'cos in her case nobody has been able to find out what happened to the original entrance and they have to gain access through an artificial portal in the back of what was the old via lactea before it became such a popular route.Obviously I am not implying the same is true in your case.Far from it. Do bear it mind though. Heartfelt sympathy in your loss CV |
| Hi Clazzy Everything's OK after all. It turns out it had been obstructed by a load of hardcore stuff that Jimmy had delivered last week. He'd dumped it in the back passage and we'd both completely forgotten about it. I do hope he clears up the mess before the major comes - you know how he's prone to flatulence under stress. love H xxx |
| Hi Hazzer Thank God I was able to get your latest this e mail morning. My server has gone down on me this morning and I don't know if I am coming or going. That Jimmy what can you say? I asked him if he had any slates last week, well he came straight round and gave me one. What a brick. The poor major is a martyr himself. I don't know why he doesn't do anything about the problem. Massie told me herself she gave him a camomile enema last week and that should have sorted him out. But you know what the old boy is like, he's straight down the Dog and Parsnip and back to old tricks. He had fourteen pints and then started on the scotch, they had to call out Dynorod to get him home. I ask you.Massie is still clearing up the aftermath. Must go just popping out to get my labia pierced, this time I am having the gold ring, Geoff said the silver made me look cheap. The cheek of that man. Byeee Clazzer |
| Dear Aunty Hazel What is going on? I was so embarrassed when I came home and found that mum had left her laptop in the new kitchen thingy she's having put on, and there's only this e mail from her to you saying a whole pack of lies. Like when I gave uncle Bill a nice cup of herbal tea 'cos was poorly and she's like saying it's like an enema. I mean My God what is she like? She is making me out to be some kind of weird perv.All the "builders" were pissing themselves, you can imagine. She's only gone and printed off loads of her weird e mails and left them lying about. Now we're supposed to write messages to each other on this stupid slate Jimmy gave her. She's got this stupid bit of pink chalk and everything. She's like written on it "Massie Do NOT forget to video Emerdale". How sad is that? I mean we both know she has all her funny expressions like what does she call her earlobes? And I don't see what is funny about calling Dial-a-cab, Dynorod it so uncool.But really, and she is such a racist, the way she talks to Manjit like he is some kind of alien. still she is quite happy having half the Rastas in Norwood, yes that is about three, round here day in day out doing God knows what in the house. Like when I came in they had obviously been smoking that ganja stuff. they all make out its like normal but I mean I'm sure they're all like drug addicts. Mum has gone off to Brighton for what she calls a dirty weekend with Des though what those two can get up to God alone knows. I have just come back for a few days with my new boyfriend Manjit. Mum said she was going to be here but she isn't. I was like "I want you meet Manjit" and she was like "Yeah whatever" and I was like"Der" and like now she isn't even here. She's being so unfair.I sure she will listen to you and uncle Sid. Hope you are OK Maxwell |
| Never heard of you - bog off. |
| Hi Clazzer The strangest thing. I just got an email from someone called Maxwell complaining that you smoke the weed amongst other things. And he calls me Auntie - disgusting! This isn't one of your nappy fetishist friends up to tricks is it? If Sidney had opened it he would have had a fit. Do sort it out dear H. |
| Hi Hazzer Yes I am not surprised you don't remember Maxwell, the little shit we used call him. And he hasn't changed. To tell the truth I am a bit worried about him being in the house while I am down here in Brighton for a few days. But the thought of being under the same roof. He's suddenly turned up totally out of the blue with this other poofter, some asian bastard called Mandy something or other and they both behaving like a couple of daft twats, making a fuss about Winston and Des and Smokey G. being in kitchen all the time, Jesus Christ who's fucking house is it. I don't know where he gets this weed idea. I am sure Winston, Des, Smokey,and their friends would have nothing whatever to do with that old malarkey. Anyway I think you would do well to ignore the two of them Sorry about the hustle If they try and bother you again, dear, I'd tell tel them to bog off. Must go as Desmond is taking me to the matinee at the Old Pavilion, It is that nice chap with the beard who used to be in Emerdale,and they are doing One flew over the Cuckoos Nest whatever that's about, so we should have a nice time. Take care,Lovey Oh by the way,Des says to tell you don't forget to change the sheets. I am sure I don't know what he means. C |
| A strange thing. Today I see that someone has put a padlock and chain
around one of the trees in my street. I can't imagine why - surely no one
would try to steal it? I'm more than a little concerned. |
| Most peculiar..... Yesterday my neighbour told me he went out to find someone had attached a tree to his motor bike with a chain! |
| But on the other hand could this be one of those terrible tree chain mail
messages? |
| What’s the cut if I get you a publishing deal, boys?
I think this could be a publication equal in impact to Coldeep Bhakta’s "Now awaken the snake'
Can we discuss world wide rights?
Opportunity Knocks Ltd. Literary Agents 12th tree down on the right side of Dukes Ave Muswell Hill |
Hey man, some dude jus pin dis on de tree. Wazzit mean man? He wanna talk bout his rights? |
| Dear Mr Mortimer, Thank you for your recent enquiry. The licensing authority, feels it has been undermined byyour continuing references to these highly sensitive security operations in your neighbourhood throughout calendar months, August-September 2003 (and exceptionally including, the following periods i.e. March/May 2004 June 2005, January 2017). Naturally, whilst we will endeavour to keep you informed of developments as they occur,we regret to inform you that an engineer has already been approached by the London North Regional Departmental Executive (LNRDE) and assigned to this particular eventuality. The tree will undergo total elimination procedure on March 22nd 2004 between 8am and 12 noon.The engineer who has been assigned to this operation is Dermot McClusky and I would be obliged if all further correspondence on this matter could be channelled through this office directly to Mr McClusky, as I am sure you are aware, I am leaving at the end of the week,to take up a position with the British government. I hope I have been able to clarify the situation, Yours sincerely, Matt Grinsky, Communications Officer |
| Well for a start it's not true that I "have a thing for Butlins redcoats"
as your report to the PCC so contemptuously suggests. The incident in question
occured seven years ago and was not at Butlins at all but at Walthamstow
Stadium. I admit that Mr Greenstaff was a Butlins Redcoat at the time but
he was obviously off duty as I'm sure you'll concede that Walthamstow Stadium
does not employ Butlins Redcoats in an official capacity. I'm sure that
if you checked with them they would tell you that they never have and probably
never will do. Secondly this is the only incident that ever came to court that actually involved any sort of redcoat in an official capacity or otherwise. The other incident in Great Yarmouth was with a hot dog vendor who just happened to be selling his wares outside the camp gates. He was definitely not a Redcoat! I shall be contacting my solicitors. Mortimer |
| Dear sur, Intercepted yer communiavocado on our newly installed Communiavocad Interceptor Mk3. Undershtand yer havin' a spot o' bollox wiv a future government employee (allegedly). Wiv a bit o' luck he'll be one of the soon to be unemployed uncivil bastards. God Bless Gordon Brownose. Keep on pervin'.......wot you do wiv sausages and redcoats is yer own affair. Save the trees for exfoliatin' Bring back brick mail Agent Orange |
| Sir Mortimer, I am today helping you. I am starting now.You must know it what I am telling you. I am at not knowing it. Is an enquiry?I do not know it. Mr Grinsky tell me I must helping you today and I know it that you many many quite a few times speaking to Mr Grinsky many years.He say it all water under the bridge but I know why he says it or if it is.That is what he say to me in pub with Mrs Fletcher . Mr. Grinsky he was leaving do today in pub in road here.He is quite funny man and quite very nice.but I do not understand him.Has is telling me everything what you say but not he say to me what I know..He asking me telling you Doreen Fletcher now today too off . Doreen Fletcher was impregnable with a baby now going. She comes here one day, she very funny lady she very nice. Mr Grinsky asking me at leaving do in pub lunch me look after you letter. He say you very funny man.,but I do not know what it means.You know it now.So now I try helping you Sir Mortimer. Could please you help me know.Because I know everything you say, but I do not understand anything it means. Not tomorrow again Thursday. Thank you for your enquiry.Please do not ask me anything about it. Maria Ristantta Operations Manager |
| Dear Mrs Orange I've looked all through the catalogue and I don't actually see the interceptor in avocado, it only seems to be available in black or pink. That's the 8" ribbed one right? But if you're sure it's available then please put me down for one plus batteries. If they don't do avocado then I'll have pink but definitely not black. yours Sarah Mortimer (Mrs) |
Dear MS Ristantta Spot on old sport! Glad to see there's someone on the job who actually
knows what he's talking about! |
| Dear Sarah, May I call you Sarah? Thank you for your custom...just need to confirm your choice. You forgot to tick whether you woud like horizontal or vertical ribbing. Please advise. Please also note all our models are supplied their own individual charger....inside leg measurement 31 inches and cam corder. Looking forward to hearing from you. Love from all at Orange Appliances for the Un-Moist. |
| Dear Mr Orange It has come to the notice of the department that you did on March 18th 2004 post a notice in a public place to the contravention of regulation CatLNRDE:7956763732 section 17 paragraph 3 which forbids the advertisement of goods or services likely to cause offence to the general public. The item in question appears to offer "models" for services including "horizontal or vertical ribbing". A word of advice Mr Orange. I'm as broad minded as the next pervert but most people in your line of work use telephone boxes for this sort of thing. It doesn't go down well with your neighbours when you pin these notices to their trees. You catch my drift? Let's not see any more of this sort of malarkey eh? regards Dermot McCluskey Assistant Communications Officer London North Regional Departmental Executive |
| Dear Mr. McCluskey, How dare you sir! I have no wish to "catch your drift" or contract any other STD infections... I have never seen the attraction of this new fangled communications process having been a life long devotee of brick mail. I have always found brick mail to be more effective means of upsetting the neighbours. Would you like to go on to our mailing list? Regards to your grandmother. Please advise her that we are expecting her "cream" to be in stock early next week. Love from all at Orange....Lubrication for all |
| Ref: DMcC/CatLNRDE:7956763732/PGB/N89NS/02082924869/22/02/4507770963111Mortimer,
The Mind is the ultimate weapon. Development of the Mind can be achieved only when the body has been disciplined. To accomplish this, the ancients have taught us to imitate the Five Elements and the Eight Mystic Trigrams. From these come the physical exercises and techniques as practiced in the Black Dragon School. Thus, the Art is crafted and the body is trained. To develop the mental skills necessary to fully utilize the special powers and abilities conferred by these methods it is essential to practice codes and ciphers, much like the Crypto-quote which can be employed in the trade of espionage, as well as crossword puzzles, riddles, tree mailing of all categories, and Bridge (the game). |
| Dear Brendan My grandson Dermot has really got the hump with you (and not in the shakespearean sense you understand - tee hee). Best send the goodies direct to me at the nursing home. catch you later dear boy.... if you don't catch me first! Agatha |
| Amen sister! Prise the lord! Let us join together in one great cybermission to cast the motel from the eyes of all blind soles of evil porpoise. Everything is nothing and nothing is everything. Hallejujah! |
| Thank you very much for your prompt response I have just returned from annual leave, , coming into the office this morning I have found 163 e mails nearly all them appear to be selling viagra on line. So I was most pleased to get your offer to receive viagra via the normal channels.I found the last lot very useful, it makes the cat much easier to groom.Pussy is in fact leant up against the wall, as I write,playing with the cat. Regards Pauline |
| Dear Miss Orange Further to correspondence from my former colleague Dimot McCructhkey dated March 32nd 2005 l have been asked by the Acting Chair and Honourable Secretary, and committee members, of the Local Playing Fields and Parish Community Halls Action Council of the South West Dorset Central Administrative District, to write and thank you for advertising your range of plastic, PVC and latex model construction kits on tree no. 503/O/Lin-7302.5. Your advert has given rise to unprecedented levels of local interest in mains electric and battery powered hand tools, and funnily enough certain kitchen appliances when Daffy's DIY Store ran out of both horizontal and vertical sanders. Our local hardware and saddle shop, Dick's Tackle, have reported that they never had so many customers, and a most colourful, lively and cosmopolitan set of men and young boys they are, by all accounts. Richard, or Big Dick as he is referred to by his close friends and associates, is most pleased. Miss Rampling of the local Post Office and convenience store has also reported high levels of mail order interest in her home baking. Betty's buns are much appreciated by members of our local golf and skittles club but she is now finding herself run off her feet in matching the growing demand for her speciality, hand made sausage rolls, known locally as todgers. Scrummy. Bertie Bishop of the Bite and Brace It public house has also asked me to pass on his thanks to your agent for a copy of the signed photograph of you and your chums cleaning your car. He says it must have been very tiring work under the sun and can see why you say you were getting hot and very hard. He thinks though that he may have a slightly out of focus copy as he can't quite make out where your friends toes are. He takes the photo with him wherever he goes, even when visiting the local cinema and public convenience - yes, the one next to the cricket pavilion - its so sweet! Unfortunately though, the Council have also asked me to express their concern in that as a direct result of your advertisement appearing on tree no. 503/O/Lin-7302.5, all the other trees in the high street have been attracting unseasonably high levels of interest from local residents. The bark is disappearing at an alarming rate. We are at a loss to understand why. And as for the village public telephone box, the GPO are complaining that they have already had to respond to seven call outs this week alone to remove customers who find themselves impaled or stuck in awkward corners after heated conversations with you. The peculiar thing is the poor unfortunate dears were all men and they all seemed to have had problems with their trouser zips. Shoddy workmanship if you ask me. Without it therefore appearing too rude and direct a request Ms L'Orange, the Council would like to solicit your help in calming things down here in Little Meddling on the Water. The Committee wonders if you could come down for them once again? Yours in anticipation Holder Medown IM TIT Principal Regional Assistant Tree Technician South West Dorset Central Administrative District formerly London North Regional Departmental Executive for Tree Conservation and Gritting |
| Dear Sirs,
I often take a mental break by simply walking away from a project. I make a cup of tea and sip it while sitting on a lawn chair, under a big tree next to my studio. It is a commune with nature, a moment of quiet relaxation and a slate cleaning for the clutter in my mind. When I go back to work, it is with renewed clarity. I strongly advise you and your colleagues to follow this approach prior to any future correspondence of a similar nature.
Yours sincerely, Siobhan O’Shaunessy |
| Dear Madam, I resent the tone of your last correspondence, particularly the implication that my mind, and perhaps that of my colleagues, is filled with clatter. Not the case at all. My mind is filled with nothing. Furthermore I, like the next man or woman, enjoy nothing more than cleaning my slate whilst sipping a cup of tea and watching my closest friends communing with nature. Very invigorating indeed! And after such a treat, when I go back to work I do so with renewed vigour in addition to a step in my gait and much sought after clarity of vision (I do have to remind myself to clean my glasses first though) So please madam, keep your innuendos to yourself. However, if you are wishing to clear yourself of surplus stock, I have a friend who is rather short of innuendos type 3. Could you oblige him? Yours, with dirty spectacles Rohann O'Morahan |
| Dear Ms Ristonti It seems that after a flying start the nag has shot his wad doesn't it? How long have you been on this job now, three days? And exactly what progress have you made? Sweet Fanny Arbuckle it seems to me! Several questions still remain unanswered: 1) Have you yet managed to arrange DNA testing to discover whether the seaman was in fact human? 2) Can it be substantiated that Mrs Fink actually saw a marsupial on the night in question or, as has been suggested, it was simply her husband returning from the pub on a pogo stick? 3) If it was indeed Mr Fink then was he sporting a pouch that evening and if so could he have had something small and furry in it? Answers, Ms Rustingski, is what we need! Mortimer |
| Dear Knobby I just want you to know that I felt really moved by your story. When I was writing Paradise Lost I too often used to sit in a chair. There really is nothing like it for resting the bum. yours Joan Milton |
| Sincere thanks to you all for your very kind wishes and words of inspiration
received over the week-end.
As a small token of my appreciation of your kindness I would like you to know that a gift has been made in your names to the Norbertine Fathers at Saint Norbert Abbey, De Pere, Wisconsin, USA in support of their works and their missions to further the message. And may I just send all you good people (on or off your pogo sticks) one final message of hope …may St Patrick smile on you and peace and contentment forever pissess you.
Yours with compassion and pity as ever, S. O’ Shaunessy |
| REF: SURPLUS STOCK Dear Sirs, Electrical and Electronics Plumbing, Air and Heat Appliances Lifestyle and Recreation Yours faithfully, Senior Manageress |
| OK Claire, I know it's you, I'd recognise the stains anywhere. You're
just getting your own back for that little episode with Des - n'est ce pas?
Anyway, no time for that now, there's this poor little man called Father
Dominic who runs this absolutely divine monastry and all they have between
the lot of them is one slate which they polish for hours. I know you said
that Jimmy was the man for slates - do you think he would go round and give
him one? And who's Pussy? Not that inflatable that Des is so keen on? God that thing was rancid last august. much love Hazel |
| Dear Mrs Milton Would you be, by any chance, Joan Milton who wrote
Paradise Lost? And this yours respectfully M. Mortimer |
| I was amused to read the following in the Journal of Alternative Communication
this week: The launch of pigeon post has once again suffered a serious setback. In last month's trials all pigeons which actually reached their destination were only able to relay the single message 'Do you want more peas Hercules?' You have to laugh |
| Far too deep for me I'm afraid. Recent communications have left me in
the dark, sadly. However sisters, on a more spiritual note I would like to offer the following words of wisdom passed to me by a dear and wise friend 1. It is important that a man
helps you around the house and has a job. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to
you. |
| Yes, I couldn't agree more, I need a few of these type of guys.....any
offers? |
| I'll give you ten bob |
| I have followed the advice advice regarding the four men I needed, but
I am getting really pissed off with the lot of them. Any advice? I do have a handy hint that I find comes in quite useful,from time to time. If you are being chased by a police dog, try not to go into a tunnel and then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.They are trained for that. |
| yeah, I fall for that one every time. Also, don't wear a big bandage on
your right arm. |
| Once again you are all way above my head. Please advise without delay
where and how I can subscribe to the Journal of Alternative Communication
in order that I may better understand your various predicaments and problems.
Re the hoop of fire, I must admit I have heard of something similar but the eye test unfortunately left me at a complete loss. I do wish I could be of more help. |
| I got mine wrapped round a piece of cod. I don't think it will take off
though. The JAC themselves admit that as an alternative means of distribution
it stinks. |
| More news on the Pigeon Post farce. Apparently all their pigeons are Google
rejects. That explains a lot! See http://www.google.com/technology/pigeonrank.html |
| Couldn't agree more. How dare they! The comment re: 'spatial adjustment'
is just not acceptable. High time to form an action group and put an end to this continuing travesty for once and for all. How about it sisters? Please forward me £50.00 without delay and I will prepare the banner. (BACS transfer please) |
| On a more personal note Petal, I was rather affronted by your unnecessary
comment re. subscription to the JAC. |
| well you know me dear - never one to call a fish an amphibian |
| I see that internet chat rooms are still in business despite the runaway
success of tree chat. I logged into one the other day and it was overwhelmingly
boring. How you doing, what's up, who had sex last night, that sort of thing.
These people need to get out a bit more, post their messages on a few trees.
Here's the plan: we infiltrate a chat room and turn them on to some really interesting and enlightening conversation. We need to be careful so I suggest we pretend to be a gang of decorators who have been sent in to brighten up their room with a spot of paint and maybe some wallpaper.
I suggest 2pm tomorrow Friday 11th. The lucky site is http://www.seniorsite.com/chat/index.asp
Don't forget to wear your overalls. See you there.
Peter the Painter |
| Your email has serious implications.
I logged in to the site suggested but was dismayed to see the banner - ‘meet people like you’. Is this site peopled by clones? If so we may find that we put our thriving business into jeopardy. Have you considered this possibility? As leading decorators we must avoid this at all cost.
I am very slightly more than a little concerned.
Yours, Michael Angelo
(Senior Partner) |
| Ciao Michael Yes, they are clones I'm afraid. Fortunately, none of them has asked me for money so far so I think they are armless (like some of your less successful opi). They certainly couldn't hold a paintbrush. yours in anticipation Pietro il Pittore |
| Your plan is full of holes, it raises more questions than answers. Have you not heard of the five double-ewes? Why, where, when, who and wow. We could be letting ourselves in for more than we bargained for, these are dangerous times and things are not going to improve unless they get worse. I suggest we start with demolishing these hell holes. I will be round with a bull dozer at first light Remember what happened with great idea number one? I don't suppose you'd thought of that. Sinaed Doherty |
| They don't call you Sin for nothing do they?, you've always been a difficult
bastard. But you can do it mate. I remember great idea number 1 indeed. You said it wouldn't work but we all got new underpants didn't we? Pull yourself together and get down that chatroom tomorrow at 2 - I'm counting on you. Powerful Pierre the Painter |
| Ciao Pietro,
Despite your unfortunate reference to my ‘less successful opi’ I do appreciate your frank and honest reply and reassurances. I am pleased to hear that the clones are armless and look forward to our meeting tomorrow at 2.00 with interest. By the way re fulcrum, you may find the info below enlightening. Now, back to this ceiling.
Best, Michael
The existence of the Küchler - much fiabesca and romantica that seems a loquacious one I fresco of the age in which it lived begins to Copenaghen where nacque in 1803: student of the Real Academy of Fine Arts, in the May of 1830 received a scholarship and he was moved to Rome, where giuntovi entered to make part of the circle of the Danish scultore Bertel Thorvaldsen. The illustrious master, already in the City from the end of the 1700's, occupied in that time the Association of Bologna of then the Buti house, in via Sistina, with to its cospicua collection of books, antiquity, and contemporary art; thought a model for the young artists and Danish men of letters, it was the fulcrum and the figure centers them around to which the ruotava folta colony, Scandinavian and not, to Rome. |
| well I couldn't have put that better myself. I'm not sure that nacque
in 1803 though. Sounds a little late to me. P il P |
| PP Less of it. The last person who called me Sin is still in Intensive at Whipp's Cross or they were up till I went and visited them yestyerday and apparently their life support got accidently switched off by mistake.. Call me Sinaed Doherty or don't call me.. Anyway at two o'clock I am with Maureen Murphy and Maureen McMurphy the both of them in the Rising Sun, Leytonstone, Apparently there going to be some kind of blessing on their relationship whatever the fuck that means.I don't see how two dykes together is ever going to work out let alone last. It is the one there on the the corner, not the Green Man, where we used to go.because Maureen's barred, just for nothing really, the bloke was asking for it, anyway, and the other Maureen's ex works behind the bar and Maureen doesn't want to rub her nose in it. Well it's a bit late for that don't you think. So you will have to find someone else to do your dirty work for you. I could still take it out at about 5.30am if you want though because don't have to start to half past six I have got a old bungalow to demolish in Woodford Green this afternoon.And the old dear hasn't even got all stuff out of yet.. SD |
| No excuses Sid - just be there. And it's painting & decorating - not
demolition. Just remember that and you'll be fine. Michael Angelo's going
to be there - you like her. |
| I know that,but you've got to feel sorry for the families. |
| Dear Michael, You e mail Monitoring Service is picking up on what may or may not be discriminatory language either by you or one of your represenatives. In either event we at the emMS would like to remind you that under guidelines issued by the Guideline Issuing Authority any derogatory reference to clones is taken most seriously. Indeed the whole of work undertaken by the GIA under the auspices of the emMS takes an extremely hard line on any anti-clone usage by operatives. Being an ex-clone myself I know what I am talking about. I hope you will be more considerate in future. Best regards Cocoa |
| Dear Cocoa,
Thank you for your email. I have carefully noted all your points and passed your enquiry onto our sales team who will be contacting you shortly. I am sure we will be able to give you a highly competitive quotation and rest assured we guarantee to provide you with the exemplorary service you have come to expect. The colour scheme you suggest - Pantone ref: emMS will be very effective. I remain your humble servant,
Michael Angelo |
| Dear Pietro, Another job in the bag for us! This could be a biggie too. Please issue quotation without delay. Michael |
| Yes he sounds like a nice bloke too. P. |
| OK Sinead, where are you? You were supposed to be in this chat room at
2pm |
| I thought you said Chatham, I am in fucking Chatham. |
| Contemplating fucking the naval no doubt. |